Tyris winter

 State your name, age and creative occupation

My name is Tyris Winter. I am 22 years old. I am an artist. 

How would you describe your mental health at the moment?

I'm probably the happiest I've been in a while. It makes me even more happy that I'm able to just think about all that I went through and how it just made me as a person, as a creative, even more creative.

Why are you a creative or artist? 

I think I've always wanted community and I've always wanted to feel a part of something and I've always wanted to express myself and discover more of me. Art has always allowed me to really find myself, find the community in myself and grow into who I am as a person. I started making art as a way to escape isolation. My family really wasn't accepting and I wasn't really too involved in the world at large, so I assumed that the world wasn't accepting. And I just had so much time to myself to really hone in on who I wanted to be. And I feel like art has always allowed me to do that, that if something is going bad, I can go to art. Everything's going good, I can go to art. It's always been my unspoken friend that has allowed me to talk about the things that I want to talk about, to be who I wanted to be and never asked me to be anything different. Anything that has ever asked me to be someone different, it's always in the outside world or someone trying to change me. But then I just go back to art, and I'm like, this is what I know. This is what I'm going to continue to know, it is what I can do and what's inside of me.

What's your ultimate goal as an artist? 

You know, I wish that I had goals and dreams. I've made my eight year old self so happy. So anything else I do is just like brownie points at this point. So I guess I just don’t want to fall from this thing that I feel of just being hyped off myself. I've achieved my goal. I've done things that I wanted to do. I literally just got in from a shoot with people that I want to work with, with the world that I want to be around, so I've kind of achieved a goal of making myself happy. I think if I was to have more goals to pinpoint, I would want to open up my own shop, to share my creative vision with other people and try to share the gospel of being a bad bitch in the public. I want to inspire other queer people, and  queer youth who are growing up and don't feel accepted, don't feel heard, don't feel seen and see either my work or hear my voice and know that they're not alone. And rather that makes them go into art or whatever other field. I want them to know that they're not alone.

Do you feel like that's what you want people to feel when they interact with your art? 

I think that's what I talk about a lot. That’s what I battle with constantly is loneliness and  isolation. I  feel like that is something that everybody battles with and you can't control everything. But the reason why I'm so intertwined with art and being artistic, is because it’s a thing that I can control. Sometimes I can get into a little tizzy where I'm like, I need this to come out of me, and I can’t get control of it.

When you feel creatively low, what is something that you do to try to get out of it?

There's so many things that I found that I can do. Honestly, I disconnect from my phone and, which is kind of weird to feel isolated more. I find that I have to disconnect from things that could be impeding on my inspiration. So if I'm jealous, I want and I wish I was doing the things I see others doing. I know that isn't beneficial to me. So I think it's more beneficial for me to disconnect from this, for me to go back to what I know. I was just in a little creative low, not too long ago. What I did I’m thinking of doing again, not posting, I'm not on anything, and I'm reading my little books and making art inspired by that. 

If you weren't pursuing the arts, what would you do and why?

I would try to help people in different ways. I know I was going to go into psychology at first, and then that changed to animation, and that's when I started to just rear head with the arts. I would help people. So psychology, which I feel like is even probably connected to the arts as well and human experiences.

What is one of the hardest things that you've had to overcome? I say while pursuing your creative career, but I kind of feel like in life as well, what's something that's really just, like, stopped you in your tracks? 

Well, I feel like I should answer in two different settings. Internally, what has stopped me from creative things is when I do get really low, I feel like I can get really low to where I don't feel good enough, where I get that imposter syndrome, or where I don't act on my vision when I get them, because I'm like, oh, I don't have this. I can't do this. I doubt myself. I would say probably my biggest internal thing is doubt outside myself. Because I feel that if I doubt myself  that I'll take things that aren't meant for me, that I don't need to be in certain places, that I find can be hindering where I'm being tokenized or just used most of the time. So, yeah, I would say that I kind of feel like I can control that in ways too, because now I get a sense of when it's happening that I'm like - no -  but it leaves me from that doubtfulness into those spaces where I'm like, okay, I just need to take the first thing in order to live. And then it's usually bad thing. It's usually the people who are not going to put your name out, who are not going to do, like, the due diligence to honor you as a creative type of guy. We just want you to make this immediately. And it's like, wait, but you're secretly a brand that's owned by Nazis, so yeah, that sucks. And then it hurts me as a creative person because then I think about all the bad things, and I'm like, I don't want to be connected to this. I don't want my name to be something that is remembered as oh, Tyris worked with somebody who was a horrible person. So I'm like, yeah, is this what it's meant to be? I'm meant to build myself up to be this amazing creative that has to stoop down to making things for people who don't honor that, who are just like, oh, you're hot right now. Cool. You're put in an impossible position. So it's just like, I guess I hate the world. Cool. Bada. DA DA DA. 

When do you feel the most true to yourself? 

Oh, man, right now. There are multiple times when I guess when I'm reflecting and I'm thinking about, like, all the things that I've done, all the things that I'm doing to honor myself. If there's a specific time or feeling, I guess to put it into, like, specific, I guess what I'm writing is that I really feel true to myself when I'm able to take that time to reflect. When I put myself in a situation to reflect. And typically I write in the morning when I'm able to think about all the things about the day and I talk about what I want to do and all the people that I'm appreciative for and stuff. That's what I love. I want to say I feel true to myself when I'm around people that I love.

When was the last time you cried and why? 

I would say it was that boy. But here's the thing. It wasn't about him. It was, again, about the feeling of loneliness. What I do, which is probably kind of even sad, is that when I cry or have a really emotional, really happy moment - I audio record myself so I can listen to it later and be like, girl, you saw that. Or oh my God. That was amazing. Wow. I remember that. Yeah, my therapist actually brought up that it was something I should continue.  But yeah, I cried because I was like, will I ever be truly loved? That is external, that will I ever be accepted, like, for who I am in all my being? Because I find that I continuously have to be put into situations where either someone is overbearing me or someone is not caring for me at all. And I'm like, I'm tired of having to just either pigeonhole myself or shift all my personality, in order to fit what people want or what this specific being wants. 

And I'm tired of being in that situation. And it's like, I grew up in that situation or go out into the world, and I get that situation. It's like, I try to date a guy and I get into the situation where I always have to change a bit of me. And change is fine when it's not compromising who you are as a being. And it's like your creativeness, your exploration as a person. And, yeah, I cried as though it was like, fuck everything and everyone to ever exist. Past, time, present, continuum. 

What's your greatest fear in life? 

I would say my greatest fear, I guess, in life is diarrhea. Besides that, I'm afraid of doing something so bad and severe that it won't honor me. I don't know if I can pinpoint exactly what it is, but I just always had that fear of wanting to do something creatively or do something with someone else, like a brand and I'm like, oh, shit, is this going to ruin who I am as a person? I'm afraid of changing it to someone I don't recognize. I'm afraid of becoming just a part of the cog and will not be able to distinguish myself as the figure that I want. And I've always envisioned that's what I'm afraid of. 

What's a heartbreak that changed you as an artist?

I've had a lot of heartbreaks, and I think that's what I contributed to a lot of my art, that I try to spin the pain into joy. But I would say the biggest heartbreak that kind of amplified me as an artist was that I couldn't control the people. Like, I couldn't make people love me and like, I couldn't make my family love me. No matter how much I tried to prove to them. I couldn't make people see me. Does that make sense? So, yeah, I can only do what makes me happy, but I can't really please anybody else. And that was my biggest heartbreak because I feel like I'm definitely a people pleaser. But it dawned on me that I couldn't do that because not only were there times when it made me unhappy, it just never really made them happy because they're always going to want something different. They're always going to want more. You're not going to be exactly who that person wants. It was my biggest heartbreak because I was like, oh, wait, no matter how amazing I am, I'll never be the amazing that you want.

Here’s a little trauma dump for you. My pastor's wife told me, I guess this was like the Tyris prophecy - she was like, you'll be loved, but not by the people that you want. And I was like, why would you tell a ten year old that, first of all? People will fall off and never talk to me, family will ostracize me. And I'm like was she just speaking it into existence? Do I just knock on some wood and ask to take it back?

And it's like, I am loved, and honestly, I'm loved by the people that I want to love me, and I love the people that I want to love. But, yeah, that is tea. 

What is the most complex relationship in your life? 

I have a complex relationship with the world. I hate the world sometimes, but then there are times when I find so much beauty in it. When I go outside for my matcha morning walk, I'm like, wait, this neighborhood is cute, actually. But yeah, I mean, I have a really complex relationship with it because when you think about the world, you're like, oh, my God, it's beautiful. It's magnificent. It's amazing. Yeah, but when you start to think about the world, you're like, oh, my God, everybody's dying. It's on fire. Like, literally, there's riots every weekend. So it's like, I have a complex relationship in that way. I'm like, you know what? I can't change this, but I want to appreciate things, but then I feel bad about certain things. I also have a complex relationship with social media. I feel like being known on social media, which is why I kind of relate to people when they become like, oh, kind of numb. I feel like it's nullified me to compliment, really? Which is really sad because I've always been the type of person where someone's like, oh, you look good. I'll be like, OH MY GOD THANK YOU!!! Now if I was to get a compliment, I'd be like, oh, thank you. And then it's like the furthest thought from my brain, you're getting so many. I honestly don't think that it's normal for humans to get so much love or so much hate at one point. 

And I've gone through so many waves where I've been – I don't know if, like, you saw or I told you, but there was this girl who literally claimed that I stole a transition from her. She wanted blood for no reason, and she was so dumb. And then she ended up taking a video down that had like half a million views at that point. And I was just like, people want to hate so much. And it made me feel so sad because I was like, oh, wow. She said false things, didn't show any evidence, was just calling me out of nowhere. And I think people were believing her because she also chose a narrative of like –  I was a black creator. And I was just like I was like, Girl, first of all, I'm like you're A CIS woman coming against me to a song that is geared for queer people. I'm like, how can I be inspired by someone who doesn't inspire me? I'm sorry. Take the cameras down! It was just wild. And yeah, I'm conflicted with the fact that people that social media has numbed me. It healed me. It made me feel seen. It made me feel isolated. And it definitely has changed me. In good ways and in bad ways. But I would say I'm no longer as naive as I used to be when I was 19. 

Are you more like your mom or your dad or neither? 

I would say, honestly, neither. Not to dish on them. Actually, no, I will give them credit. I feel like I'm like I am both my parents combined in the fact that I'm everything they didn't have the courage to be because they limited themselves. Both of my parents were really talented. Really strong figureheads in their own rights. I feel like because I was able to see how passionate and strong of people that they are that I'm able to apply it in myself but in a way that doesn't damage people. So I think I'm like my parents in the ambitious and powerful way, but just more channeled and more honed in and more honest. 

When you're dead and gone, what do you want to be known for? 

Living honestly with who I wanted to be. I want to be known and remembered as a really creative, funny person that just did what I enjoyed, like, did what I was passionate about. And I want to be known for all the fashion that I create, all the poetry that I write, all the people that I've met and connected with. I want to be remembered as just a little ball of light.

Do you believe in god or in the afterlife?

I have this dream that when you die, you watch your body decay. I think it's a good nightmare for me, where you watch your body decay. And that in itself is like the afterlife. Like, you don't get to feel all the feelings. But then I'm also like, there's a metaphor for life right now because you're aging, you're watching yourself. Not even necessarily decaying, but just, like, get to a point of, like, you can't control it. I also think about the fact we just bacteria or something that just, like, latches off? And like mothers create a fetus and then grow into these big things and then we just go back to dirt.

I do believe there is something after, maybe a continuation. I kind of also feel like life is a cycle because it kind of is in itself. Like, when we go back to dust, something has to come from that, because, I mean, flowers grow from the dirt. So if I am no longer in this form, I do see myself in a different one, whether that be a physical body or a dandelion. I do believe in a higher power, but not in the possessive, crazy, wide way that our parents do or did. So, yeah, I do believe that we are all connected and our energies are intertwined and that no one really has an individual thought. And I feel like American society definitely does try to make us seem like, oh, no, you have to be an individual. You have to live on your own. You have to make your own money. You have to be singular. And really, we're all connected in a way. And I think that if there is a higher power, it's the connective tissue of each other that kind of binds us together in a way, but just as, like, different frequencies. We're meant to be a community. 

When have you felt most loved? 

I was doing a poem on stage. I was opening up for Olivia Gatwood. I just remember how warm the crowd felt. And it was amazing because I hadn't performed it for so long. I was really nervous, but I feel like I was really in my body again and I loved that. I didn't feel the fear of having to live up to something, but I also was able to just be honest with myself and just share all the things that I wanted to share and it was just amazing. I really enjoyed that and I just felt the crowd received it so well. I had a really good time. I still miss performing. I love a good a microphone. There's nothing better. 

What brings you hope?

When I was 18, I was miserable and I was working as a cashier and I was paying my mother rent and barely eating. Horrible. I went to a thrift store and I bought this necklace with these three chains, like three medallions on it but then I lost the chain. And I was also sleeping on people's couches. Then I would lose the other two medallions and then have one. So they said hope, faith. and love.  I was like, what kind of magic is this? So when I was living with my mother, I broke the chain. I was just like, okay, I'll fix it later. But I only had the hope medallion when I left my mother. Then I was sleeping on a couch, and I found the love medallion.  

I think I find and lose others when I need to be reminded to have hope, faith or love. I have hope now and what brings me hope now is honestly myself and everything that I'm doing. I have hope that everything's going to work out, that I'm going to achieve what I want to achieve, which is reaching more people because I'm like, girl, I'm just on that escalator to just doing all the things that make me joy, bring me joy. And I have hope in the future because I'm like, tomorrow's already past and if I can keep going today, I hope that something great will happen. 

If you could talk to your younger self, what would you tell them?

I would tell Tyris to not be afraid. I definitely did limit myself with fear a lot. And I would also tell little Tyris that everything's going to be fine no matter how much you think it isn't. I would tell Tyris that there are people in your life that you're going to want to be in your life that they're not going to stay, and that's fine. Things are meant to change. You're only going to grow, and the people who you thought were everything and going to stay forever, you're only going to find better people and people who are going to love you more. Not even better, but just people are going to love you in the way that you deserve. People who are going to vibe with you on the frequency that you're on and just appreciate you for that and you're going to grow with people. So I would tell young Tyris that there's a world awaiting and there's a community waiting, and there's a version of you waiting that you always envisioned and that you're going to grow into and you're going to love.

What does being happy look like to you? 

Fries and brownies. Period. That's the end. It literally looks like fries and brownies. I would say this time, being happy to me, honestly, I just love dancing in my room. I love those little times when I just get fueled with energy in the morning. Or I'm just like, get those thoughts of like, wow, I really am that girl. I can't pin it to a specific time or something that I can just recreate. It's just that I'm hit with waves which are reminiscent of, oh, wow, I'm really am that girl. I really do appreciate all that I have, and I'm grateful for everything that I've gotten and everything I'm able to do now. 

Tell me something that you absolutely love about yourself.

I love how I'm able to find joy in things. One thing about me, I can make myself laugh, and I love it about myself. I'll be giggling to myself, and I definitely do love that because if I just have my chaotic mind then I am good. I couldn't imagine being one of those dull people who just don't laugh at the desk or I'll be giggling in a meeting for no reason. 

Is there any peice of poetry that you would want to share?

Run. 

Sometimes I hold my breath like it's the only thing I can say. And some days I fear that in order to become something, I have to lose parts of who I am. We human beings run off fear and love. And I know this because everything I used to fear is now an exerted blood from my chest. What was once panic is now an exhale into new beginnings. I breathe and release, treading concrete against my souls. I'm going places. Got gold glitter on my fingertips and a blackfish Afro pick in my pocket. But armed with a beautiful mind, my being is a protest and my presence is the future. I will no longer be silenced, but rather run at the mouth until I can rest easy. Speak with the fury of Marsha B. Johnson, Angela Davis, Audrey Lord and James Baldwin. Oh, and Tyris Winter. 

Transcribed by Marguerite Breeden