Arielle Estoria

State your name, age and occupation. 

Arielle Estoria, I am 31, crazy, and occupation - I would just say artist. 

How would you describe your mental health at the moment? 

Wow well, I am on the cusp of coming off my period and it's like reestablishing what's real and what's emotions and what is hormones. So I am definitely in that sticky place where I am trying to balance with that, because I definitely go into some hardcorde doomsday stuff, ‘what is life, what is career, what is my existence’ -  when I am in this space. So I do feel very content, but I am in a place where I am trying to re-ground myself. 

Isn’t it insane that we have to do this every month?

Every month!!!! And I feel completely out of body for a week every month. And this week I usually can move and flow, but this week I needed to readjust and take some time to be still. 

Why are you a creative and what is your ultimate goal as a creative?

I think in short, I am creative because I was made to be. I think I have had a lot of conversations about the longevity of the process of what it took to get to where I am today.  And thinking back to that and thinking back to the little girl who dressed up and had an alter ego and wrote songs, and I think I just, I have become her. I called her “Erica Wallace” then but now it’s Arielle Estoria, which is very much me. But I use my middle name to protect my partnership, my personhood, but I think I am creative because I was made to be - it is what I live and breathe. Even the process in which I create or show up, and when people ask me - how does that work? I can't explain it because it is just how it is in my brain. It is not a process for me, it’s like someone will say something and my brain created a Prose. I think I am a creative because I love what I get to do, even though there are seasons of like ‘fuck, what am I doing,’ or ‘this is not moving the way I want it to be,’ even in those moments, I still don’t think I would want to be doing anything else. This is what I am set up for. 

What do you want people to feel when they interact with your art? 

I want them to feel something and everything. I think I would be remiss if they felt nothing. It is my deepest fear that people will feel nothing. So I hope they feel something. I hope that it jumps out of me and into whatever it is for them. Whatever it brings up for them, like relationally or spiritually or emotionally, physically. I think if it ends with me, and about me, then what is the point? I hope that it surpasses the moment, I hope there is longevity to it. I think it is my favorite thing seeing people and they are like ‘I remember this thing you did 5 years ago,’ and I am like wow, thank you. If my legacy is anything, I hope it’s words - it's not myself or what I posted on instagram. It's the words I left and how people felt because of those words. 

When you are in a creative slump, what do you do to get out of it?

One is going to the beach. I feel like I need water, I need ocean, I need sunset, and I just to sit and stare. Music too is so great for me. Yoga has been huge, it's the one place I know I will be quiet and that feels like the best place to tap into. Watching other people show up creatively when I am not able to, even though that sometimes can lead to comparison stuff, it is also very motivating. Things that recharge me, and it is not always instantly, but I think I am okay with the creative slumps because we have made it a thing that we think we need to be producing and creating all of the time and then when do we rest? When do we give our gifts a place to breathe? And I think I found permission, especially since finishing a book, I am like - I wrote a book for 2 years, so it’s okay if you can’t post an instagram right now. Is it a rut or is it just rest? Why do we call it ruts? Because we are not doing it? Isn't it just rest? Our bodies are just hibernating, our gifts are just recalibrating - there will always be a next thing, because we are going to create it. Giving ourselves permission to not work or do or create or produce is really healthy and necessary. 

What has been the hardest thing you have had to overcome as a creative? 

I think the people pleasing of it all. I think that has been the hardest thing. Is it christian enough? Is it cross over enough? Are my parents proud of it? Does this make me seem like a good christian, creative, poet, artist? And you know I have undone all of that but the people pleasing is still there, and no matter how much we want to bullshit it, we still want people to like our stuff. People pleasing for me has always been associated with - I am GOOD if they like or approve of it. And when I am in place where I am saying yes to me and no to other things. I realized this work, the art has to be for me first.  

When do you feel the most true to yourself? 

I feel the most true here in my home, with my partner, I feel like he is someone who has always seen all of me and that has been such a safe place. And yoga will always come back, because it is such a strip down for me because it is like me, sweat, body, mat, and breath. 

I definitely have adopted this practice to help me show up in my body and learn how to trust my body in that space and learn to fully exist as myself because you will feel the limiting, you will feel the holding back. I think performing too, something about getting on a stage. I am always nervous until I am like ‘yep, there I am.’  It’s like slipping on pants. It's like ‘oh yeah, I DO this.’ I remember when I worked at a coffee shop and I did a show there, one of my coworkers, Leo was like ‘I work with you and I see you but I feel like when you were up there and I SAW you, I don't think I have seen the fullness of who you are until I saw you up on stage.’ I have never forgotten that. I always remember this is me in my fullness, of course there is more to me, but this is the pinnacle of me, this is the height of me, this the climax of who I am and of course there are other layers, but that is me. There is always a level of coming home to myself whenever I get on stage. 

Do you ever dread it? 

If I am not excited about it then yes. I did an event recently where I was really reconciling with morally where I was and what I have undone and deconstructed and being at this event was very conflicting because it was very much a social justice white space, which I have always been sticky with and then I was sitting there contributing to it. I was the only black person in the room and the only one performing and that always brings up stuff for me. 

There is also the tension of being compensated for your work but in addition to that is like not being compensated WELL for your work that you know you are worthy of. It's like I put a price tag on what I think I am worth, and I low ball myself even though I know my true worth and sometimes it feels like I am being taken advantage of. But then it's like, well I am still getting paid for what I do. 

It’s hard to put a price tag on your art work. I find myself changing my rate all the time. 

All the time. But that goes into, I am gonna take $500 because I am excited, or I'll do this for free because I really love this or NO pay me, because I do not want to do this. 

When was the last time you cried and why? 

The last time I cried was when my friend got married. I cry a lot. Everything makes me cry. I almost cried this last weekend because we were celebrating my grandma's birthday. So it was all the  family and my niece was there, and it was the first time I saw the next generation of our family starting and that was very palpable. I'm just watching my niece and the person she is becoming. I was just feeling very emotional to see this new wave of humans becoming - and you think so many monumental things have happened in the last few years and you think life just stops but then you watch these babies grow and you are like, life does not stop. It was really cool to watch my grandma with her great grandkids. She is like our last close standing grandparent and watching her be celebrated and seeing this new generation come to be made me emotional. 

What is your greatest fear in life?

I feel like that has shifted so much. I feel like I used to think that my greatest fear was like not ever making an impact in this world, but I think I have made a ripple. Also like so what if you're known? I guess my greatest fear is not utilizing this life to its fullest. I think I spent a lot of my time afraid of taking chances or taking risks and I am like I don't want to live like that. I think my greatest fear is not taking all that life has to offer out of fear or doubt or insecurity. I think that's where I am sitting right now.

What is your greatest heartbreak as an artist? 

I think it was in the last few years of like what happens if i am not the pinnacle of being the perfect Christian artist or child. And those were really hard to let go of, but I think the heartbreak would be not choosing to step out of those barriers and walls. But at the time relinquishing those parts of yourself and unfolding the layers that aren't necessary any more is painful and important. The object and pinnacle of my life is not to be the perfect ANYTHING. 

I had to learn to choose myself and that isn't always the applauded response and that was really hard but that birthed a lot of things, it birthed poems and my book and my marriage. I think that was a heartbreak that turned into a shedding, it felt very breaking but I still sit with, ‘I’ve I made these decisions but are people still proud of me?’ 

It's hard to deconstruct things that you thought were serving you, and then realize they might have been actually hurting you. 

I always say that I felt like I was holding my breath for a very long time and then when I finally exhaled it was very scary. I was like can I breathe like this? Is this still good? Is this still holy? Is this still connected to divinity? 

The conditioning is insane. I think the core of conditioning for women is a disembodiment, because once we are in our body the amount of awareness, of intentionality, of drivenness, of confidence – to know where your feet are and know what my voice does - it's a threat. So I very much believe that is the core of it. (Which is why sex is such an easy target) because that feels easy, and it was easy, we where gripped in the fullest sense. 

If you have space to go explore and someone intrigues you – please do, because I think the church took 20-30 years of our life making us feel like shit. And I am pissed. We were not in our bodies and not allowed to be in our bodies. 

The sad thing is sometimes they think their protection has actually hurt us more than they realize.

I was told that the temple prostitutes will lead people to their bodies not to God. When you think of the origin of Genesis and women sinning, you are being told you are going to have pain in childbirth, you were never told about the pleasure. 

What is the most complex relationship in your life? 

I think the most complex relationship in my life will always be my body. I think our bodies are always changing. Who is my body with myself? Who is my body with my partner? Who is my body when I am on stage? With my physical body always changing, it is less tense now, it is more intimate now, but I think I am understanding my body now, thinking about how it will change when I do decide to have children and then post having a child. 

And I think with family, as we grow and expand and become full adults, what those conversations will look like. But I think the body and family will be there forever, until they are not. And so I am dealing with the complexity, and the beauty, the grief and the loss, and all of the everything in between. But I think the two that come to mind the most are my body and my family.

Do you think you are more like your mom or your dad?

I definitely think I am a mix of both of them. Both my parents are creative in their own right, they both speak and have a magnitude to them - they can walk into a room and be like ‘oh, there is Port and Marshelle,’ and I know that I have that same electricity. They are both feelers. I think I definitely used to have my mom's need to be the woman of magnitude and strength and we are both learning how to not let that kill us. The older I get, I realize I am definitely like them. I used to think I looked just like my dad, but now I feel like I look like my mom. And I have both of their personalities intertwined into one. 

Do you believe in God or in the afterlife?

I believe in God for sure. We call it a lot of things. Creator feels great. Divine feels great. Orchestrator feels great. I definitely feel like I want to connect to something greater. Like did we just show up here and we are supposed to make sense of it all? That feels like a very lofty thing to give a bunch of humans. So I will always believe there is a divinity of some sort because I feel like we are all guided by this thing. 

In terms of an afterlife - I feel like I don't even really know what that means anymore. But none of us even really know what there is. And that's the fun part. I can hope there is a heaven, but I also hope there isn't the opposite of that, but I won't know until I am dead. I don't know if I believe that if you believe in a Divinity that you need to believe in an afterlife either. But I do love that when you look at kids, black people will say ‘oh, you have been here before.’ We say things like that. I always think about that - kids who are really wise and beyond their years. Maybe we just cycle through, I would love to come back as a butterfly. I would love to exist in the world, not as a human. I like to think about those things, now I give myself space to think about those things, before it was like I hope I don't go to hell. But I don't think that it is that black and white. 

Yeah, why do we put god into a box?

Yeah, if God is so big, omnipotent, and mysterious, how is it even possible to put God into a box and say this is what it is, I mean is it? How did we get there and who do we think we are to do that?!

Can you pinpoint a moment that you have felt the most loved? 

I freaking love my husband. Today I went to his coffee shop to get coffee, and he does this thing where he whistles and he is like ‘why you looking so cute?’ The fact that he just always says that even when I just wake up, and I am like ‘I do not feel cute right now’ but I just feel so loved with him. 

I really appreciate his partnership and I have never not felt beautiful, or seen or loved by him. Even if there is a moment where we miss each other we always come back twice as strong. 

What brings you hope? 

I think art brings me hope. Seeing what people create amidst everything going on. What music has come out, what art pieces will come out - artists will always find the silver lining. Seeing this next generation of babies, they are smart and active and these girls who are strong and aware of themselves. We are a world cycling through and there will be a world after us, and what will we do with this one? I think Gen Z are beautiful and wild and they give me a lot of hope and they are more free than us and they will not be conditioned in any way.  Which I think will be their strong suit but also what gets them. Being cautious of that, but they are so free. I envy that. But it gives me hope. They are already coming out of the clutch without the chains.

If you could tell yourself when you were younger what would it be? 

I really thought that I was never going to be loved or find a partner, so I like to say ‘you are going to find a partner who loves and sees the whole of you.’ And I would also say to her ‘don't be afraid to shake things up.’ I was so afraid to be a rock the boat person, but I didn't realize I was supposed to be a rock the boat person. And so I would tell her ‘don't be afraid to rock the boat and ask questions and be curious even though it might contradict everything around you.’ I wish I had that permission a little sooner. 

What does being happy look like for you?

I think being happy looks more like contentment now. If I am very aware of where my feet are I feel contentment. Like my home feels like a home I built, it feels like contentment and gratitude and I think happy can be such a fleeting emotion. The last moment I can think of my husband and I, when we went to Santa Barbra to walk around and just be, and I think is it happiness or contentment? I think it is just like if this is what life looks like now or for the foreseeable future, I would be okay with that. It doesn't have to be glittery. I am okay here. And also just being with my family, being at winery with my sisters. It really is the little things. 

Tell me one thing you love about yourself. 

I like how my mind works. I think I have always been really hard on myself. Like, ‘why do you feel too much? Or why do you think like that?’ But I genuinely love how my mind works and I genuinely love how I create, and I might shit on it sometimes, but I do love it.