Ally Christensson

Alexandra (Ally) Christensson. 27. Showrunner’s Assistant / Writer / Artist 

Why are you a Creative? 

I think I always have been. Answering why am I a Creative is like answering why am I here to begin with? Since childhood I was always creating, always writing, making things, painting or drawing, whatever it might be. It came very naturally to me. The way I was raised as well - we would make little clay food items, me and my mum, for my dolls and stuff. We would paint them - and it was always just a part of growing up. My grandparents lived by the sea in Sweden and I would spend weeks there, and my sister and I would run around in the forest and pick berries, and write stories - it was so idyllic. We would ride in a wooden row boat with my grandmother and have picnics… it was just so pure that it allowed us as children to be disconnected from the hubbub of the world and our imaginations were allowed to run wild. I feel like I’m a Creative because I don’t know how else to be, and when I feel disconnected from creating I feel lost. 

How would you describe your mental health at this moment?

It’s funny because for a while I wasn’t pursuing writing, I was focused on the producing side of things creatively, and I think that was out of fear, mostly. But I started writing again in the pandemic, and ever since I started again, I feel so much more fulfillment and purpose. Recently I started a new job and when I am away from [writing] I can feel the lack of it. So I feel like my mental health is so connected to feeling creative - and that’s a weird thing to actually put a pin on - because sometimes I’m like, “why do I feel low? Why do I feel lonely or a little empty?” and usually it correlates with - I haven’t journaled, I haven’t picked up my guitar, I haven’t written anything, I haven’t felt a sense of like - I’m making something, I am contributing something… So mentally, right now, I feel okay, but I have intentions to make more because I know I will feel so much more whole when I do that. Yeah. I feel pretty good right now, but it is easy to slide into all the self-doubt, so I really try to stay in the things I can control instead of future-tripping and stressing out about where all this will go. I am staying in the now and the joy I get out of it right now. 

How do you want others to feel when they interact with your art?

It’s interesting because I feel like I don’t have as much of a relationship with the audience as maybe I should. I feel, like, I want them to feel curious? I guess? That’s definitely the word that comes to mind with my painting. And with my writing I want them to feel moved or connected. I want them to feel like it’s entertaining as well. I guess it depends, because I write so many different types of things in terms of tone. And I have a complicated relationship with writing where I feel, ever since I decided this was my career instead of just something I do, that it’s very easy to worry, “is this going to be what people want? Is this important enough, is this saying enough?” It’s hard and you end up becoming pretentious about what you’re creating instead of just doing what you want to do. And I find that relationship complicated because I want to do the thing that excites me, but I do have to ask, “is this saying enough?”

If you’re in a creative slump how do you find your way out of it? 

I think so much of a creative slump is just not starting. It’s overcoming that block. For me with painting, I have done it my whole life, but I don’t do it consistently. The last time I brought out a canvas was months ago. I mean to do it! I want to do it. But it’s so hard to overcome [that block]. I think it’s easy to want to know what the finished product will be before you begin but that’s never the process. When I was painting yesterday I was thinking: painting is re-painting. Writing is just re-writing. That’s why I paint with oils because you can correct them, you can paint over them. You have to allow the mistakes. Like with guitar, I’m bad at guitar but I’m never gonna get better if I don’t pick it up. You get better by practicing. So for me, I have to do one thing. Look up an artist that inspires me. Write just one scene. It doesn’t matter if it’s not “the final product”. It’s not wasted time. So yeah, just do one small thing. And also journaling. That’s a thing from The Artist’s Way (by Julia Cameron), to do your three pages and just get things out on paper. When I go running that also helps because I can ruminate on an idea without having to do anything. That’s why some people have their best ideas in the shower or in the car - doing something passive lets your brain relax because sometimes we are thinking too hard and we can’t see past that block. 

What is one of the hardest things you’ve had to overcome while pursuing your career? 

I think the hardest thing for me was allowing myself to believe that I could be the exception. I studied film and television production, and no longer being the only person who did it in high school, being surrounded by peers who were all pursuing it, it was hard not to compare myself. And the fear of not being as good as them at writing or directing led me to think, “well maybe I’ll be a cinematographer or maybe a producer” so I wouldn’t be competing with them and then that would give me a chance. So I went to work at an agency, and then at a production company, and did interesting jobs that I learned from, but I didn’t let myself believe that I could do the thing that everyone else wanted to do because I wouldn’t be good enough. It was a limiting belief that I imposed on myself. No one had said to me, “you aren’t good enough”. I let my own insecurities stop me from trying. And then I was always jealous of the people who got to create. So I had to ask, “why have I decided I can’t do this”? It took me a while to say, “I’m a writer”. I feel proud that I dared to believe I could do it. And since then, things have been falling into place, and I’ve been [writing] so much more. Not that I’m making any money from it yet! (Laughs). But the - trying it - has been so empowering. Life is not a dress rehearsal, it’s the real thing. So I can’t wait until, oh I’m more financially stable, or I have more confidence in this other thing I can fall back on etc. I’m just - doing it. And I’m proud of that. 

I had an acting teacher once tell me an artist's job is to “paint the painting, and hang it up”. You have no control over who walks by the painting or what they think. But as long as you paint, and you present, you’ve done your job. 

Exactly. And I hate the idea of art being so correlated to people’s subjective opinion. At the end of the day, we could both look at the same man, and I could say, “that is the hottest man I have ever seen in my life”. And you could go, “eh, not for me.” Both are valid. That doesn’t mean that man isn’t amazing! We live in such a black and white world, and art is the least black and white thing there is - so to try and put it in boxes of “good” or “bad” is detrimental to everyone’s process and everyone’s joy. 

When do you feel the most true to yourself? 

Maybe in the bath. I love taking baths. I have this thing, where, when I get into a bath, and it’s really hot, I feel like I am the smallest person in the world. I feel like I am a child again. It’s such a direct correlation to my childhood and because of that I feel my most stripped down. I usually read or listen to music. I'm also naked, in my home, with a candle on, and there is just something about the simplicity of it that makes me feel grounded. I feel like myself. Something I have struggled with a lot in relationships or in the workplace, is the need to hold myself a certain way in public - to the point where I forget how to just be me. I was in a relationship for three years where I was monitoring myself… And there is a lot of behavior I need to unlearn to feel like myself again. I want to connect back to myself. And I can feel that in the bath, when I quiet the noise. When I can be okay with the mistakes I’ve made. 

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Women are chronic people pleasers. And I’ve been working with my therapist on saying “no” to things, and not padding them with explanations. We are so trained to feel bad if we don’t do something for someone else. But you can’t live your life, your whole life, for other people. You will end up being resentful. And you don’t owe your life to anyone. In Spielberg’s “The Fablemens” there is a whole scene with his mother, where she literally says to him, “you don't owe anyone your life. Not even me.” She was a mother who of course had to raise her kids and take care of them but she couldn’t live just for them, or else she would lose who she was. We are so uncomfortable making other people unhappy, but then we will wake up and go, “what did I do for myself?” I have so much guilt. And it’s so wasted. So what’s the point? 

What’s your greatest fear in life?

Probably being alone. More in the sense of being wholistically alone - which I don’t think is even realistic. I probably am not going to lose my whole family, and all of my friends, (laughs) but I do have such a deep fear of not feeling connected to anyone. I will feel a slump and my mental health will be very low when I realize I haven’t spent quality time with my people who mean so much to me. Not just being with them, but connecting with them. I’ve been in back to back relationships for four years so I have always had a person, someone I could turn to, who was there, grounding me. And that was important especially because my family is so far away. So now that I have had to be alone more, it has been a real challenge having to connect with people because it’s taken a lot of work. And also now, I have a fear about having kids. Not having kids. I am anxious about my body clock, and, “what if I don’t meet my person on time” etc. It’s so unfair as women, it is my biggest resentment, that we have to stress about this and men don’t?! Drives me crazy. 

When do you feel the most loved?

When I’m surrounded by people who love me and when I’m dancing with friends. It’s like, euphoric. Inhibitions out the door, dancing and singing to music we love whether that’s at home or out - and we are in love with each other. I feel so grateful for everything in those moments. All the insecurities and doubts are gone and it’s like, wow, life is good. Also when I am going through something hard and people show up for me with bells on. That support and love. When I really allow myself to accept love from my friends, it's a really special thing. 

If you could tell your younger self something now, what would it be?

I would tell young me to stop being so practical and afraid of “what is the right decision?” I was so hung up on everything. Everything was such high stakes. “If I choose this thing, I will either have a career or never have a career; if I break up with this person I will never get married, etc.”  So I would say relax. Enjoy the fact that you don’t have these responsibilities. Have a bit more fun. I studied so hard in college, I never missed a class. Which is good! But I could have afforded to be a little freer. I could have messed up a bit more. Try the scary thing. Live a bit more. Because things work out as long as you can center yourself. I can only think of the Swedish word for it: “njuta” - it means bask in the moment. Be in it. Enjoy. 

Do you speak fluent Swedish?

Mm hm. 

Fuck that’s cool. 

(Laughs)

What’s the most complex relationship in your life?

I have a complicated relationship with answering the question, where do I come from? Because I grew up in England, but I wasn't English, so I didn’t go to Sunday Roasts, I didn’t have the cultural traditions of Brits. I have the Swedish element of me, which is a big part of the traditions I have in my family, but I also didn’t grow up there, and I speak the language basically fluently, but not as authentically as a born-and-bred Swede does, and so I make mistakes, and some Swedes will tell me I’m not really Swedish because I’ve never lived there. And then I also have the American side of me from my mum, and I’ve now lived here for a long time, but still nobody would think of me as American, and I’ve grown up coming here but never really identified with being American. So that’s definitely a complex relationship for me, because the “where do you come from” question has so many sides to it, and there isn’t a one answer, and I never feel authentic when I answer it in one answer. There’s a weird sense of nothing ever feels like home, there’s always somewhere else on my mind… and I think I have this sense of waiting to finally find the place that truly feels like, this is me, this is where I’m from, but I’m not sure that that exists. And I think that’s something that I end up trying to find through my artist work. 

What does being happy look like to you?

Being happy is accepting that you’re not always gonna be happy and that’s okay. You can experience all the feelings of being mad, sad, lonely, hurt, disappointed, and then happy - all in a day. So know that it all comes together, all those feelings can come together, and happiness is never in the destination. It’s never a guaranteed finish line. Just know that happiness will come whenever it does, so enjoy it when it’s there. But don’t beat yourself up when it’s gone. 

What are you on the verge of?

Oh my god! I do feel like I’m on the verge of coming into my own era. I grew up with my family, then was in college, then in consistent relationships, etc. And I finally am in a place where I am just with me. And I am prioritizing myself, finding out what I find interesting, imposing boundaries, doing work and inner-healing, and connecting to my truest self. I have acceptance of where I am at, instead of where I am going or where I have been. I also really hope I can have better self-esteem - I have a lot of hope for the next year or two. I am embracing the change. And connecting to my artist-self. Allowing and identifying with that. 

Name one thing you love about yourself and why? 

I love that I care deeply about the people in my life and their happiness. That I have friends I have been friends with since I was 11 or 12 and we still talk all the time. I love that I can really water the garden of relationships I have, especially being far away from people that I care about, and making them feel I am still there. I like making people feel loved and valued.