JAMIESON BAKER

Jamieson Baker. Age 36. Filmmaker/ Screenwriter

How would you describe your mental health at the moment?

My mental health is really - quite healthy. I feel very even. 

I feel like you have talked a lot in the past about your journey with therapy. Do you think that has given you the skills to feel healthy?

I think I have certainly grown a lot in therapy in the last few years. A big part of that growth was confronting a lot of thoughts and behaviors and patterns that had been holding me back from really throwing myself into my creative pursuits. So in a way I think I am feeling healthy because I am really creatively productive at the moment, and at the same time I am creatively productive because I am healthy. It’s become this really comfortable self-fulfilling prophecy and self-feeding cycle / self-propelling cycle. Yeah, I am feeling good at the moment! 

Why are you a Creative?

I don’t know why! I guess I feel unhappy and unfulfilled when I am not in a creative flow. I know that because, for a long time I really closed myself off from my own creativity until finally I hit a point of emotional unmanageability. And I think that unmanageability was triggered by a romantic entanglement, and it really took looking underneath that particular relationship - to discover that a creative outlet was the only way out of those feelings. And so, I guess that is why I am a Creative. I know now, looking at that particular emotional experience, creativity and honoring those creative impulses are the only ways I can feel okay in the world. 

What do you want people to feel when they read your scripts or watch your work?

I want people to feel less alone. I want them to feel connected to the human experience. I want people to feel seen, I want people to feel challenged? But ultimately, accepted. And maybe a little bit more in touch with other people - the experiences they share and we all share as human beings. 

When you get creatively low, how do you propel yourself out of that low?

I think the biggest enemy that I face to my own creativity is my self-criticism. My perfectionism or self-doubt - it’s that voice in my head saying, “this isn’t good, nobody’s gonna get it”. So the only way to get away from that is to really give myself permission to fail. To be bad, really… to write something that is bad. And the way I soothe myself through that self-criticism is really to - it’s funny - I talk to myself in a way. I say to myself, “I am only writing this for me. I don’t have to show this to anyone today.” I can finish it in a way by getting to the end of the story, or complete the amount of pages I set for myself for a particular session. It doesn’t have to be done, it doesn’t have to be perfect, and it doesn’t even have to be good. It just needs to be. 

What has been the hardest thing you have had to overcome in your creative career?

Oh gosh, I think it’s disappointment. Certainly the most unexpectedly hard thing is the feeling of disappointment when the thing that you make is not what you thought it was going to be when you set out to make it. Not that it's necessarily worse - it's different. So I think it's a disappointment and a little bit of a grieving process for the work as it was when you envisioned it, and set out to make it versus the reality of the work as you present it to the world. That was hard in an unexpected way. But the more that you make things and show them to people, the more you become comfortable with taking care of those feelings. You let them pass, you let them be, and honor them also. Not letting the disappointment overwhelm you to the point where you don’t make anything else, or don’t show your work to other people. 

When do you feel most true to yourself? 

I think first thing in the morning. I think there is something about my emotional experience and my subconscious that I retain in those first few minutes of the day after waking up - that feels really, authentically me. I try to write as much down about my dreams as I can remember. And I find that helps me process whatever sort of emotional experiences I had in my dreams which allows me to really [start] the day in a fresh, even space. 

Are you a vivid dreamer?

Yes. Very vivid.

What is your greatest fear? What keeps you up at night?

My biggest existential fear is ending up alone, abandoned and rejected. But, it doesn’t keep me up at night because, thankfully I am in a place now where it doesn’t feel like a clear and present danger. But it is an existential fear that I am thankful I am aware of, because I can tell when it starts sort of, creeping in and affecting the way I think, feel or behave in the world. And I have worked through the origins of that fear, but it is still there, and it is still a part of me. That feels important for me to acknowledge. 

What brings you hope?

Young people who are politically active certainly bring me hope. Specifically when I see young people - and when I say “young people” I am thinking of Gen Z because I am a millennial - but when I meet young people through collaboration, or there are those I know personally, and I’ve met in the city… to those I see on social media, and the younger activists and politicians I’ve read about - I feel really hopeful to see people who are younger than me passionately advocating for LGBTQ+ rights, racial justice  gender equality and reversing climate change. 

If you could tell your younger self something, what would it be?

It’s okay to be gay. 

Yeah it is! 

More than okay. Your sexuality is essentially a wonderful, beautiful, unique part of you. And you don’t need to deny it. 

What does being happy look like for you?

Happiness looks like cooking at home for my small group of best friends who have come over to enjoy a nice meal together. 

What do you feel like you’re “on the verge” of?

I’m on the verge of redefining myself. And it’s a process that’s been in the works for awhile now, and hopefully will never end. I don’t know if I will ever get to a place where I am self-defined and will remain that way for the rest of my days. I feel I’m on the verge of redefining - with a particular story I am writing and ready to tell. 

Say one thing you love about yourself and why?

I love that I prioritize long term friendships. I am at a place in my life where long term friendships are very important to me in terms of sustaining my spirit and my enthusiasm and even my creativity. And I am also at a place where I look around and realize that not everybody has those long term friendships and relationships in their life and seeing how important they are for me - I am sad for people who don’t have those. But at the same time, I am really grateful for deep friendships. I am grateful that my parents instilled in me the value of those relationships… I love that I have them.