Saba Saghafi

Saba Saghafi. Writer, Actor, & Doctor In Training. Age 28.

How would you describe your mental health at the moment?

I don’t have the words, but (moves to the piano). I will show you what my mental health sounds like. 

(Gasps) For real?

(laughing) This is just in the moment! I’m gonna figure out what it sounds like. And if I had to choose specifically… (Saba bangs on the piano making a discordant sound). Or like this (plays a different, morose, discordant chord). Or maybe that? (Plays a final triad). Yeah maybe that. This chord has a B flat, a C, and a D. And each one of those notes represents something I am going through I think? I’d say the B flat is…(playing the note), my parents went through a divorce this past year, and it totally unraveled everything I knew about my family, and about my dad. And I’m still kinda learning how to deal with that. (Plays a C note). I think the C sounds like somebody who is full of hopes and dreams, and I think the C is me trying to figure out myself, in my twenties, which already feels like enough work for a person.. (Plays D). This one’s my mom. (Softly plays it). It’s… I think this is the hardest note. But um, (pauses, and quietly begins to cry), yeah. That one’s my mom. It’s everything she’s been through. And how much I love her. (Breathing hard, playing the chord together). So yeah, I think that’s how it feels. (Saba begins to play the chord while riffing a melody on top of it). 

I guess it’s kinda nice to know that you are always only a note or two away from something different. 

(Softly cries. Plays a walk-up of different base notes to make the chord finally resolve). 

So, that’s what my mental health sounds like. (Laughs). 

Oh Saba. There is no one like you. Thank you for being so vulnerable. I hope this isn’t too much for you?

No, I would do this even if you weren't here (laughs). 

Well thank you. I know that was literally your pain - but that was the most beautiful thing. You put into music how life feels. 

Why are you a creative? Why do you feel like you want to be a writer and a storyteller?

Stories have always been there for me when I needed them most. So I just want to be a part of giving people things that they need, when they need them too.

What do you want people to feel when they interact with your art specifically?

It would be my greatest joy if I could make things that people see themselves in. I think that’s one piece of it. And the other thing is - I really hope as an Iranian, that the act of making anything at all, helps others in my community feel like, “Oh if this idiot could do it, so could I.” I didn’t really have too much of that when I was younger. Iranians are supposed to be something really stable like a doctor, lawyer, or engineer. And I had very few successful Iranian artists in my community to look up to. The only person I had was my Grandpa. (Laughs) And my Grandma always made fun of him for being poor. And he was. He would do like twelve paintings a day, up until about a month before he passed. And he would give them out. People would come over and he would just give them away, and people having them was enough for him. So yeah, he never made money (laughs). He was poor. His story wasn’t one that anyone in my family wanted to model after. And yet, here I am. So, even in the smallest of ways, I hope that me being out here, being a TV writer, and being Iranian, is a signal. There is life out here. You can come live on Mars. 

When you feel like you are in a creative slump, what do you do to get out of it?

It feels like that happens everyday. There is a beautiful quote by Leonard Cohen, where he says “being a songwriter is like being a nun: You're married to a mystery.” And Lin Manuel Miranda iterated off of that quote and said, “every time [he] sits in front of the piano it’s like sitting there for the first time.” Every time he puts a page in front of him, it feels like the first time. Even though he has done so many songs, and written so many things, it never stops feeling like the first time. And I think that can feel like a creative slump of its own. Sometimes the mystery feels more like a nightmare. So, I find the best thing that I can do is set a really scary deadline, create something that is scarier than my fear of the pag. Then I have no choice but to write. There are a number of ways to do that. Like when I was a student, doing live theatre at USC - I was putting on a lot of these one man shows, which are just as pretentious as they sound (laughs). They were these comedy shows with one man sketches and stuff like that - and before I even wrote the piece, before I even had the idea of what I was going to make, I would rent out the theater. Six months in advance. And then, a month before, even before the thing was done, sometimes it wasn’t even written yet, I would make a Facebook event and invite everyone. Once I knew there was a date and a theater full of people coming, I would always make it happen. I would always write it and make sure it came together. So, that was my way of having a really scary deadline that didn't allow me to be in a creative slump. And it pushed me to make something no matter what. 

(Grabs a book from shelf)

This is a really good quote for any writers out there. This is from Philip Roth. He’s a writer. Born in 1933. This is something he said in 1987: “Writing isn’t hard work. It’s a nightmare. Coal mining is hard work. This, is a nightmare. There is a tremendous uncertainty that is built into the profession, a sustained level of doubt that supports you in some way. A good doctor isn’t in battle with his work. A good writer is locked in a battle with his work. In most professions there is a beginning, a middle, and an end. With writing, it is always beginning, again. Temperamentally we need that newness. There is a lot of repetition in the work. In fact, one skill that every writer needs is the ability to sit still in this deeply uneventful business.” I feel that speaks so clearly to waking up everyday as a writer. 

What was the hardest thing you had to overcome in pursuing your creative career? 

Learning that this isn’t about me. I came from a small high school where just standing on a stage made you a “celebrity” at the school. (Laughs). And the lesson I learned was, it’s about me. I was very wrong. And in college I finally realized that. I had to learn to embrace that, and actually love that, when internally, I imagine for any human, the instinct we have is, no this is about me. I think the entertainment industry definitely enables it. It’s a constant challenge, and I don’t know if it’s one that someone can fully overcome. But meeting the challenge every day with every piece that I do, is the important thing. 

What is a piece of advice you would give to someone who wants to pursue a career as a writer? 

Do whatever you can to not get creatively paralyzed. Your job is not to be the best writer. Your job is to write. That is the most important part of the process. Because you will be getting better the more you do it. Fashioning your life around making sure that you can regularly be letting out these creative things is so important. It’s not your job to judge yourself. It’s not your job to decide if your work is good or bad. It’s just your job to do the thing. 

When do you feel the most true to yourself?

When I’m at the piano, and I’m playing and singing with friends, and making them laugh. 

What is a heartbreak that changed you as an artist? 

The heartbreak happening right now that is changing me as an artist is everything happening in Iran. I am feeling some of my biggest feelings in relation to the people of Iran. I’m feeling inspired and heartbroken and really scared. And I’m feeling enraged. Those feelings come every morning, as I catch up on what happened in Iran in the past twelve hours. And this is the daily routine for every Iranian American I know right now. We’re collectively experiencing these things from afar. It’s absolutely affecting the things I make, and why I make them. It’s adding this whole new layer. It’s inviting my people into my daily work. I feel my whole language changing. For me, Farsi has always been a language of safety and comfort and love and home and family. And now, my language is one of protest and pain and desperation and suffering. That’s naturally affecting how I tell stories. Farsi was my first language. And in many ways, Farsi has fashioned how I tell a story, and how I talk to people, and who I am. So hearing our language used so differently right now, hearing it change, I can’t help but feel myself change with it. 

What is your most complex relationship in your life? 

The one that is with my writing partner, who is also my best friend, who is also my life partner and girlfriend. It’s easily the most dimensional relationship I have ever had, and it’s the most challenging one I’ve ever had. It’s oftentimes one of the most rewarding ones as well. But it’s almost like we have a multiverse of our own. And our relationship is a living, breathing, constantly changing, organism - and that is so complex. 

Do you believe in God or an afterlife? Why or why not?

These days, I don’t think I do believe in God or an afterlife. But I am aware that for me, that will probably always be in flux.

What brings you hope?

The people of Iran are bringing me hope. They give me a lot of hope right now. Especially seeing how the revolution went from a small group of people to such a massive, massive movement. There is a lot of hope in that. And there are so many of stories coming out that are on the hopeful side, on the good side - the ways that Iranians are standing up, the ways they are being fearless, the ways the men are standing behind, around, and in front of the women in their fight for freedom. It’s beautiful. But of course it’s also one of the more hopeless things in my life. I think sometimes those two things really coexist. It’s very Star Wars. The hopeless place is where there is hope.  

By the way do you need one crazy answer? Like I can give you a crazy, front-page headline kind of answer on something. 

Yes, on this next question be crazy. 

Okay. 

If you could tell your younger self one thing now, what would it be?

I would say, “go fuck yourself. Everything you are afraid of is…true.” (Laughs) 

(Laughs) Ok perfect, next question. Just kidding. What would you tell your younger self?

I would really tell my younger self to stick to one sport. And get really good at that sport. That would be really important for you, Saba. It leads to so many good things. You have more friends, cause they are on your team. You always have your “thing” everywhere you go. You step into a room in college and you're like, “this is my thing,” and then others go, “oh, he belongs somewhere.” (Laughs). And also, you’re gonna be really hot. Which let’s be real, the world turns on hotness. So yeah, I’d say pick one sport and get really good at it. I think I would actually say that! Are we gonna lock in that answer? Okay let’s lock it in. 

What does success mean to you? And what does happiness look like to you?

My mom says the weirdest thing which I have never questioned. She says “You should be able to sit on the couch, peel an orange, and be happy.” I’m pretty sure what she’s trying to get at is, you should be able to do the simplest of things, and feel a sense of happiness within you. I think that is very flawed because some people don’t even have a couch to sit on or an orange to peel (Laughs). But I will give it to her. For me a successful day looks like: waking up in the morning, going for a swim, preferably with a friend. After the swim, going home and having a little breakfast, and quiet journaling time. The house is still not awake yet, there is stillness. I take a shower, and as I come out of the shower, the house is humming alive. There are footsteps in the other room, stuff is happening, people are waking up, and they are starting to make decisions about their day. And then, for me, it’s off to a secluded space to write. And after writing for a little bit, you have lunch. All of this is still a quote - this is my dream. And I have a solo lunch at the same place that I eat at every day, and I order the same thing. They know me by name. And then it’s back to work. A bit longer. And the second half of the day is a bit more of revising and editing, looking at what we put on the page. And then, you do some emails, tasks and stuff. Then you go home, and it’s now time to open up your mind. You have a group over for dinner, a group of friends, and you have a big thing of pasta, or something like that. A bunch of forks and laughter. Then the group naturally makes their way to the piano. There is some piano playing. Maybe we go out for some dessert. And it’s just a great, great time. Then you come home, and get ready for bed. And as you’re going to bed you think, “that was such a great day. What a success of a day.” And you put your head on the pillow, and you fall asleep. And you never checked the news once. (Laughs) So, that is the fantasy.

Final Question: What is one thing you love about yourself?

My playfulness.